Sunday, December 15, 2013

Sunday Reflections - Finding Perfection in Imperfection on the Path to Balance

My perfectly imperfect tree, the note for my box of cookies and some Santa's on my tree!

If you follow me, you will know a couple of things:

1) This week I was supposed to do Part 2 to my weight loss and gain saga (its on hold - keep coming back - I'll get to it eventually);

2) I'm completely and utterly Type A and feel the need to do things just so. Usually in a desperate attempt to meet "imagined" expectations I think other people have of me. Or do things to try to control things around me, to put order into chaos. And sometimes to just show off.

3) I am desperately trying to change my behaviors to find balance. To say NO to my natural inclinations (see part 2) in order to slow down. Or at least focus on the things that matter. That give me REAL satisfaction. Real joy.

So after that big lead in I have to say that OMG that is hard to do at this time of year.

I want to bake fresh everything.
I want to give everyone a personal gift that shows how utterly creative and kind I am.
I want to send the best card and newsletter.
I want a perfect tree.
I want a clean house.
I want my kids to look perfectly groomed with beautiful hair and clothes.
I want to go to every Santa ____(insert function) out there so my kids get a rich Christmas experience.
I want to look gorgeous when I go out to a Christmas party.
I want to invent amazing vegan, gluten free or sugar, grain and dairy-free recipes for my blog.
I want to write amazing posts that show how insightful and intelligent I am.

WRONG. I don't really want these things. Or maybe a part of me does but I don't really NEED these things to be happy. To enjoy the season.

Actually I won't enjoy the season if I do all these things. I will be so caught up in the logistics of it that I won't actually be in the moment. Enjoying the fleeting minutes of my kids innocence as they bask in the joy and anticipation of the season.

So although my brain is screaming out for me to do all these things. To try to do them in perfection. I am FIGHTING back with every ounce of my newfound resolve.

No - I won't bake everything fresh. On Tuesday I completely forgot I signed up to bake dainties for my daughter's Nursery Christmas Party. The old me would have used the one hour I had between 5:30 and 6:30 to desperately throw something together. All the while my kids would have been screaming (literally) for my attention. I would have been angry with them. How dare they try and get my attention when they haven't seen me all day and they are starving - I have very important baking to do.

I would have been pulling my hair out...............all in an attempt to walk in the door of a 3 and 4 year old party with a freshly baked tray of dainties. To a room full of people I don't really know with no doubt a smug look on my face. "Look at me folks. I worked all day. My kids look cute. I made clean and sugar free dainties for dessert. Aren't I just a super-Mom.".

I didn't do it. I took two boxes of Enjoy Life allergen free cookies. I threw them on a tray with a little note that explained they were allergen free (see above). Not one person saw that I was the one that brought them. I'm sure not one person cared. They all got eaten.

This week I let my kids decorate the tree. First, hubby put it up crooked. Next, the girls hung the ornaments very asymmetrically and in a very "cluster y" fashion.  I wanted to fix it. Badly.

I didn't do it. I advised them to move a few so they weren't ALL within one square foot and I put some in the spots they couldn't reach. I spent a minute fixing it WITH THEM, instead of an hour re-doing/un-doing all that they had done. They are proud of it. The Santa's are practically bumping into each other but the kids are happy. So that makes me happy.

Its embarrassing to write these things. To admit to some of my most unpleasant personality traits. I don't know how many other people out there are wired the same way that I am. But I'm trying. I'm trying to let go of that part of me. To question my own motivations. And to say NO to myself when I'm doing things for all the wrong reasons.

And that's hard. But I can't do all the things I want. There is not enough time in the day. I'm having trouble keeping up with my life right now. Its busy. My kids need so much attention.

So I will fail at things. And that's okay. There is beauty in imperfection. There is life in imperfection.

My house is a mess right now. Really messy. And I want to clean it. And I have 50 Christmas cards that still haven't been addressed. And I should probably freshen up. But I'm not going to do any of that.

I'm going to lay on the couch and have a nap before we head to our next Santa party. Because I'm tired. So my house will be a mess and I probably won't look too gorgeous at the party. And my cards aren't going to get out tomorrow. And who is going to but me! And do I really. Really? I'll have to think about that as I'm dozing off!

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